Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
