I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
