i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
