If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
