I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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