We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
