oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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