Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You dont lie about slip and slides
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
