The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
