There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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