new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
