Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I would fuck him just for his dog
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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