In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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