He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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