I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
