I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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