Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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