It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
