yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
