we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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