Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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