My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
then he tried to convert me to islam
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
