Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
