i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
