mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Randomize
