Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We are all done wearing pants today
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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