This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
