She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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