I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
