Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
