I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
