Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
