Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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