I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
