32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
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I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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