omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
