i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
