After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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