I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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