It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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