so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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