So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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