Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
