I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
