hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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