I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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