I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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