My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I had to cum in my sink.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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