Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
