The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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