I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
