i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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