just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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