Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
