if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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