ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I got her a Nickelback box set.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
