Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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