I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
