He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
