I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
