So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
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Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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