At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
