I could make wine with my vomit
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
